why I love cabelas

If you have never had the privelige of flipping through the pages of the Cabela's Master Fall or Master Spring catalogs, than you honestly have not lived. Whether you like the store, hate it, or have never heard of it, the things inside always bring some interest. For example, as I was cruising the pages of the spring cato. today, I came across this gem: the savage enforcer tactical 1081. This one really made me think for a while, mostly with this question: why would anyone need a pimped out pellet gun? Maybe it's just me, but I always thought pellet guns were for plinking cans out of you bedroom window, or at least that's what I did. And ya, I can see some chipmunk/small mammal hunting if they're getting into your birdfeeder and shit, but this is obnoxiously/barely legally pimped.
#1. A flashlight? are you really going to be shooting at shit in the dark? I don't have a degree or anything, but I can still recognize that that's a dumbass idea.

#2. A laser pointer? Why the hell do you need a laser pointer on a pellet gun? I mean shit, do you want to blind that squirell before you snipe it's head off?

#3. Bipod? This isn't "call of duty", you don't need to adjust for windage and elevation every time you line up a shot. Like I've said, its a damn pellet gun.

So ya, that's my beef with the common weapon of choice for many small mammal hunters. If any of you have seen "Rushmore" than you ought to recall that scene where the guys gets shot in the ear with the bb gun from the dorm window. That's exactly how I see this gun being used. Someone's really pissed off but can't afford a real gun, so they go to cabelas, sign up for a cabela's credit card to take $20 off the bill, and then take the gun home and go for the gold: a well placed ass shot. Word.

wait, what is this?

Last night as I pulled into the driveway after the meet last night I noticed something different, very different. Theresa, the foreign exchange student, was with me and I'm sure that gave her a great picture of America. Do all houses have St. Patrick's Day parafanalia along driveways? Hell no, and I'll be damned if mine does.

My mom was so confused that I'm quite sure she thinks Alfonso, the lawn/snowplow guy put them there in an effort to add some spring salsa to the dismal Michigan february that is kicking the shit out of optimism.

So I took a closer look today as I let the dogs out after again returning from another swim meet, and what I saw was horrifying.

Obviously this wasn't the work of Alfonso, cause this is some crazy shit. I mean who puts a gnome, mardi gras beads, silly string, and a rubber ducky on a mailbox? I mean this is "Silence of the Lambs" shit. What is also concerning is the lack of a theme. For example, it's not just toilet paper, eggs, or anything like that. Not even like a Halloween punking. This job combined St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, rubber birds, and mythical creatures. Who would do this? Much like with science, the more information I get the more questions I have. More questions caused by this:
I mean I think it says Clay, but the 'writing' goes on further than the photo shows and there doesn't seem to be a 'y'. So more questions, which leaves me with a grand total of a shitload of questions, many of which I assume will go unanwsered. I mean who uses light green silly string on snow? This appears to be a thoroughly mediocre job. Not to metion that the price tag on each of the 12 lawn ornaments was 2.50, plus a gnome, plus a rubber duckie which makes for an expensive outing. I seriously have no idea what I have done to deserve this, and the possible perps list is nonexistant. Like I said, this is some crazy shit. Word.

honor and courage

For two full years the students of northville high school have been under the opression of Mr. Monty Shambleau, the assistant principle. Over the course of this school year, his opression has been considerably more shitty, as exemplified today at lunch.

We were just sitting at our table at lunch, being loud and obnoxious as usual when we noticed shambleau patrolling the cafeteria. Nothing too out of the ordinary here, although self defense club teacher Mr. LaDuke was also there, in addition to Office McKenzie, so obviously we weren't gonna start a fight today. So as we joked around with Eric about his various dancing partners at a party last weekend, he got a little upset and proceeded to awe us with his b-ball skills. Ever since Eric made varsity he has felt it necessary to shoot his food into the trash can instead of pulling a swimmer get-up-and-throw-your-tray-away-move. He's got game though, so it's okay. Anyways, as we all cheered him on and applauded every shot, everyone began to turn around and watch the phenom drain grapes into the can from a solid fifteen to twenty feet away. Like an old hawk, shambleau came speed walking to the scene of this innoscent crime.

In a constipated and frustrated tone, he says, "Hey! How bout you stop that!"

Eric replies, "But I'm money!" The rest of us all start laughing and I try to cover myself by fake coughing into my sweatshirt.

"Do you want to be money cleaning up the cafeteria afterwards?"

"No."

With that shambleau left. A moral victory for students everywhere. Way to go Eric, you can drain grapes or any other kind of small fruit over me any day. Word.

gotcha!

Tonight around 8:00 I looked at facebook and saw a friend request from "Walter Camel". Shit no. I wasn't gonna let this one go. If you care to read below how I verbally destroyed this novier, go for it. Just read from the bottom up. The conclusions I made are utterly...incredible. Let's rock this bitch.


Clay Malloure wroteat 8:21pm
the only part that sounds irrational to me is the vietnam part. Maybe you already know this, but a c.n. ex POW would not be kind to the Vietcong, just look at John McCain. He takes no prisoners when it comes to war, no pun intended. After years in a vietnamese prison cell, c.n. would become discontent and frustrated with all the vietnamese, especially the children. This would lead him to break out, again begin fighting for the US of A, and then become addicted to opium as were many soldiers. The only thing rational for him to do after such a campaing is something out of the spotlight and self fufilling, hmmmm, like a doge ball board director
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Walter Camel (Detroit, MI) wroteat 8:16pm
not if one chuck norris is a texas ranger and the other is going to vietnam to rescue kids for no good reason at all. he has two distinct personalities. ones a bad ass from texas and the other is an ex POW from nam. there are also whispers about him being on the board of directors for the international dodge ball league... now thats mighty irrational!
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Clay Malloure wroteat 8:07pm
while you do raise a good point about packs, we are the mustangS, ie, plural, ie, herd, ie, stampede, ie, "oh shit, it's a stampede!". And a pack of Chuck Norrises, while again irrational, would join with the original chuck norris to become even more powerful. I mean you don't fight fire with fire, duh.
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Walter Camel (Detroit, MI) wroteat 8:03pm
touche. and no we dont have a kid named walter on the team. and your point about packs of animals is true. thats exactly why you should be the horses or some shit like that so you could be a pack too. however a pack of ants could not kill chuck norris. only a pack of chuck norris's could kill chuck norris.
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Clay Malloure wroteat 7:59pm
dude, you have a kid named walter on your team? how embarrassing. anyways, a pack of anything could take out a single something, ex. killer ants v. rambo. while a camel mascot is irrational, we don't really give a shit. Mustangs aren't in northville, that's irrational too. Also high schoolers shoving pom pons up his ass is irrational too. it's just the way it goes.
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Walter Camel (Detroit, MI) wroteat 7:55pm
true. but the whole idea of adopting a camel as your mascot is also irrational (whos idea was that? mark stuber told me once but i forget). and although its unlikely for a mustang to meet a pack of wildcats... they would definately win in a fight. and walter begged us to shove stuff up his ass.
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Clay Malloure wroteat 7:52pm
well, once again, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but that's totally irrational. A mustang would never meet a lion, jaguar, cheetah, or whatever other animals you listed in the wild, so you're whole point is plain uninformed. And just to point out, you're the ones who shoved shit up walter's various holes which, maybe this is just me, but that sounds in and of itself extremely homosexual. But whatever
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Walter Camel (Detroit, MI) wroteat 7:36pm
you might be right except that our school mascot is every kind of wildcat in the world. i dont think a mustang or a camel could stand up to a tiger, lion, cheetah, jaguar, etc. all at once.
Write on Walter's Wall - Message - Delete

Clay Malloure wroteat 6:45pm
bro, i'm not here to bicker, but everyone knows that a swift mustang kick properly landed (and that means essentially anywhere) is more than enough to knock a wildcat or any other feline into the after life, regardless of how many damn lives it has.

global warming? have you been outside?

If you don't live in metro detroit there's one thing you need to know: it's cold as balls outside. Sunday was incredibly shitty seeing as how there was a -27 degree windchill and I was quite sure saturday night that my windows were going to blow in leaving me totally defenseless against the hypotheria after 30 seconds outside enducing winds. Luckily the house, much like Minas Tirith, held strong throughout the night and on the seventh day the sunshine of Gandalf the White came over the horizon and made it less miserable. I apologize to anyone who didn't get the LOTR reference.

But I digress, like usual. The point is global warming, while totally backed up by science, is bullshit because its so damn cold outside. "Global Warming" is a direct contradiction if its gonna be this cold, at least before the ensuing ice age is induced by increased greenhouse gas effects which lead to changing of ocean currents. In MRN we were told that the weather was being caused by El Nino. For all of you non spanish speakers out there, El Nino directly translated means "the Christ child". Now I'm not scientist, but it appears that the weather that will kill countless due to cold and has already killed 60 in the South after those tornados was caused by the christ child; a.k.a. God.

Now I realize I haven't been to church in a while and that's totally my fault for being lazy, but c'mon God, -25 degrees is not a great way to motivate people to go and worship, especially when I had a shitload of euro. notes to take. So if you take nothing else out of this, just know that El Nino can go to hell, because it's keeping people from going to church. Word.

well done, novi

Novi, congrats. on the amazing walter heist, I am to say the least impressed. While the thought always hung around in the back of our collective team thoughts, we never actually believed that Walter would be stolen from us, at least not in this age of 'you can't do anything irresponsible' and not get suspended. So like I said, way to go.

The execution of the 'walter heist' was utterly impecable, you were even able to get past our divers, although that's not saying much. It ranks somewhere between "Mission: Impossible" and "Ocean's Eleven", although instead of money/secret CIA codes you were stealing a camel, which I suppose is cool too. Almost as cool as having a swim team blog, or at least so we thought. It definately wan't our intention for any hard feelings via online journaling. It was originally intended for the team to read and commiserate with, but I'll admit it got out of hand quickly. So like I said, if you took offense, I apologize. You should all thank Kerry Able for harrassing me via facebook about Walter, it got pretty annoying. So yeah, maybe the title, "Wildcats=Sucky Mascot Name" was a little harsh, but keep in mind i'm on a highschool sports team and I didn't count on another school reading about my dull life, not exactly a thrilling read i'm sure. Although I did notice that on Walter's 'transformed' body there appeared my enty regarding the bow tie with some highlighted "yeahs" on it. I'm not sure if that's just from the presumed sexy with which I wore it or if its from Novi's appreciation for bow ties, but it doesn't matter, it was awesome.

So to everyone else who has no idea what the above part is about, here's what's up:

Friday night movie night was going fantastically well until Shep gets a call saying that Walter is going to be dropped off at his house later tonight. We sprinted up the stairs, got into the cars, almost left Lindsay on the driveway, and hauled ass to greg's house where a select group of us waited in suspense on the street, lights off and emotions high. Then two cars pulled past us, we knew right away this was it. As they seemed to look for the right house, we panicked, ended up doing nothing effective, and got to shep's after they dropped him off. Supposedly greg asked if they wanted to stay a while, but they understandably declined. So after a great photo shoot we went back to the Hagan's to watch "grease", which I somehow got suckered into to. So Novi got all the info they needed by reading facebook messages/blogs and knew where to steal Walter and all that other good stuff. Although we didn't get to finish "Mr. Woodcock", it was still a good night, and I have planned an elaborate recovery ceremony for practice tomorow. So Novi, once again, good job, that move really took some ballz. Word.

best day ever

I would like to start this post by thanking God for that killer storm you threw at metro detroit last night around 3:00 a.m. Way to go God, you're the man. I think we only got about 3 inches, but coming down at just the right time and a universal feeling of "I hate school" prevailed to give Northville Public Schools their glorious second day off due to 'winter storms'. But to appreciate the real reason why this snow day is so spectacular, you need to know a little background information.

Last night was the Wayne Memorial swim meet. Nobody really swam that great, but we really didn't have to, so it was no big deal. In order to celebrate our victory over the literally 12 person Wayne team, we went out to Cheeburger Cheeburger. If you've never been, you're not missing anything, but I had no choice in the matter due to my not being a senior. The idea was that we would all order the pounder and get our picture up on their wall of glory. The plans really fell through, however, when some didn't even attempt this feat and others were totall bitches and didn't finish. Seriously, there are kids on the team that didn't finish who I'm sure have put more than a one pound burger in their mouth before. So anyways, my pounder comes out and it's absolutely nasty. This 20 oz. patty must have been from the ugliest damn cow ever, but I wasn't about to make excuses. I plowed through the juicy, greasy meat like Rosie O'Donnel and eventually came down to my last few bites. that was perhaps the most unhealthy I have felt in a long time. I wanted to throw up, and I didn't want to swallow anything else. But much like Ghandi, I too persisted and in glorious conclusion to my adventure I drew the attention of the entire restaraunt and tossed the last peice of patty, bun, lettuce, and american cheese into the air and caught it in my mouth on the descent. Upon re-entry the burger fell apart, but through extreme concentration I was able to catch each piece.

What does that have to do with a snowday? Well if you have ever downed 20 oz. of anything, you'll know that your shitometer will generally climb to an unreal level before too long. Well I went to bed right after I got home, which would have meant a school shit which is nasty beyond belief. The snowday saved me.

Also making today better, my Cabela's gear arrived. The 70 dollars worth of gear I ordered for spring break fish catching came today and I wasted no time opening everything and trying not to hook myself. I spent a solid hour going through some of my new lures and imagining myself relaxing on the beach catching some more giant fish.

Little did I know that my Rapala Skitter Pop Topwater Bait would be bigger than half the fish I've actually caught. Yes, the hand sized bait is really, really big: it's gonna catch a really, really big fish.
If anything else as crazy as what I have just described happens today, count on an update. After all, I have a three day weekend now. Word.